The Yahrzeit candle is burning on the kitchen counter. It is the only light in the room on this pre-dawn morning. I remember when these candles of memory were taller and wider, and my Aunt Molly used to save them for drinking glasses. Aunt Molly was the queen of candles. She experienced many losses in her life and on Yom Kippur there was a tray full of these flickering lights, each one lit with a tear and a sigh. Her greatest loss was her daughter Barbara, who according to family legend, died on the operating table having an appendectomy when the hospital lost power during the 1938 Hurricane. (Hurricanes weren’t named until 1950).
We don’t grieve like Aunt Molly anymore. (Although in the Australian series, “A Place To Call Home”, that Eileen and I are addicted to Sarah lies down on her husband’s grave to talk and connect with him.) As a kid, visiting my grandparents’ graves with Aunt Molly I remember how they used to have to hold her up as she went to throw herself down wailing, “my Barbara”.
Morning has broken (I know: “like the first morning…”). The candle on the counter still flickers and the memory of my mother-in-law hovers to be inscribed and internalized in our goings and comings. Bea wasn’t a great sleeper, and neither was I. After we met at the refrigerator door in the middle of the night, she learned to wear a bathrobe as she came from her bedroom. We got to know each other there: she with her cornflakes, me with whatever I could scrounge. She was her Hebrew name: B’rachah – meaning blessing.
I am not sure what I think these compact candles do. The author of Proverbs said that “the human soul is the light (Hebrew: candle) of God.” I don’t know what that meant back then. I am not sure I know what it means now. I do know that last night when we lit the candle, Eileen brought her mother up to date with the goings and comings of the family. She told her “I wish you could have lived longer to see the beauty and the joy of the last 30 years.” There is nothing terribly rational about that but there is everything that is true on so many levels. Life is about memories and we strive to make them sweet and meaningful. It’s been a tough few months to do that. And so my candle whispers:
To making new and better memories in the New Year: Shana Tovah
“Morning has broken
Like the first morning;
Blackbird has spoken
Like the first bird.
Praise for the singing
Praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the word.”
(Cat Stevens)
To making new memories in the New Year: Shana Tovah
rabbiunplugged 
May the New Year bring better memories to us all! I also talk to my past loves, it can’t hurt. Still waiting for their answers. Love to all.
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Beautiful
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Thank. This really has special meaning this year
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Thank you – my heart is with you and Patti
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Thank you. It’s beautiful
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Rabbi, thank you for writing this post. My Dad passed away in 1972, six days before I turned eight. I lighted a yahrzeit candle every year since. My grandfather taught me to do it. Over those 24 hours or so I often hold my hand over the candle, allowing me to absorb the heat. It may sound a bit odd, but I imagine my Dad is standing next to me. We chat. I often become a bit emotional every year for the past 45+ years.
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A SWEET YEAR
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This piece stirred up a lot of childhood memories for me. I’m named after a Molly and I was a real Sara Bernhardt growing up! Even in these difficult days, it’s a special time of year. Family, memories, hope ….. Shana Tovah to you & Eileen 💕
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Your reflections were moving on a lot of levels. I chuckled when you described meeting your mother-in-law at the refrigerator and her subsequent change of attire. I had similar experiences with my mother-in-law.
I was moved by Eileen’s desire to converse with her mother. In some mysterious way, I think we can, and my parents still show up in my dreams from time to time. In Christian theology, the ongoing relationship between the living and the dead is called the “Communion [common union] of Saints [persons].”
Have a Happy and Blessed New Year. Alison and I send our love to you, Eileen and your family. Tom
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Rabbi, thank you for this. It means so much to me in so manyn ways. For me, this is a most difficult time (I always had such a large family…Dad had 8 brothers and Mom 3 other siblings) and I’m so lucky to have that to remember. But,unfortunately, as happens to all of us, some too early, now I am alone. Since losing my beloved Burt in January 2007, every Jewish holiday is difficult, because of family that was, but is no more. Thank you so very much for this story and your words. May you and Eileen and all your family have a blessed New Year and a healthy and peaceful 5781.
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May this New Year bring you close to all you love
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Rabbi,
You’ve obviously spoken for many of us about a very moving moment we each feel as we light a candle for a loved one. That candle sitting on our stove, counter, table does indeed take on a life of its own and brings each person back to us more than in our usual memories. It is truly a blessing.
A Happy and Healthy New Year to all!
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My Dear Friends,
Yes it is our tradition to light Yarzeit candles in memory of our departed Loved Ones.For me there are no specific dates as to when to light them.Unfortunately I would have to light 126 memorial candles not knowing when the days of the Passing were.I do depend a lot of the Yizkor services to pray for their Souls when I remember to mention the victims of their premature Death.We of course make sure and follow the way that our traditions taught us to do and hope that our ways and voices are heard.Of course my prayers include the many victims whose voices have been silenced and there are no next of kin to pray for them.The flickering candles have a lot to say and have a deep meaning to me and a lot of Holocaust Survivors.Wishing You and the Family a New Year filled with Health and Prosperity and sending our Love,Norman,Shelley and Susan.
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This is beautiful. Thank you.
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My mothers yahrzeit is October 7 -just around the corner. I also speak to her every year and tell her about the family. She’s been gone since 1977, I know she is not here but during that one moment of lighting her candle I feel like I need to update her and say “until next year“. Thank you for verbalizing what’s in my heart.
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